The companion piece to ‘Things Ianto Jones Is No Longer Allowed To Do’. Sorry that this is a little late, but I hope it lives up to your expectations. I’ll probably think of several splendid ones now that I’ve posted the darn thing!

Rating should probably be PG, because this is Jack, after all!


THINGS JACK HARKNESS IS NO LONGER ALLOWED TO DO

1. Not allowed to arrive unannounced at Torchwood London and inform Security of my arrival from inside the building.
2. Not allowed to email Director Hartmann with an invitation to an 'all you can shag' orgy at a place I just happen to know.
3. Not allowed to cc Prime Minister Harriet Jones into the same email.
4. Even if she did ask me to.
5. My official Torchwood rank and designation is Director of Torchwood Three and not 'the Love God of Cardiff Bay'.
6. I am not allowed to enter a Torchwood float in the Cardiff Mardi Gras.
7. I am not to address unknown alien beings in a familiar manner in their own language.
8. Neither am I allowed to seduce said alien beings.
9. Even if it does mean that by doing so I avert planetary invasion and almost certain extinction at the hands/claws/tentacles of said aliens.
10. I am not to persuade upper management that trainees urgently need to be taught when an alien with tentacles is flirting with them.
11. I am not to wait until the Science Division has spent six months and £3 million pounds researching a potential alien weapon before waltzing in and saying ‘so that’s where it went!’ and revealing that it is an alien popcorn maker.
12. I am not to tell highly improbable anecdotes that involve sex with alien beings unless I can conclusively prove that they are true.
13. I am not allowed to prove that my improbable anecdotes about alien sex are true by inviting said aliens to an orgy at the next Torchwood General Meeting.
14. I am not to make it glaringly obvious to everyone that I actually am as irresistible as I think I am.
15. I am not to keep asking Torchwood Security where they were when the Yeti, Axons, Silurians, Daleks, etc invaded.
16. Not allowed to assure trainees that the standard address when faced with large, aggressive aliens is ‘Stand and Deliver!’.
17. It is not Torchwood policy to make trainees memorise various alien phrases which all translate as the equivalent of “I’m Mandy; fly me.”
18. I am not to keep reminding Director Hartman that her ancestors were thrown out of Germany by Bismarck for being too unkind to peasants.
19. I am not allowed to challenge the Security Division to infiltrate Torchwood Three’s security and then retcon them into believing that Torchwood Three is situated under the pitch of the Millennium Stadium.
20. I am most emphatically not allowed to do so on the evening before the Grand Slam,
21. Writing up my own adventures in space and time and publishing them is not ‘a good way to prepare the population for the revelations to come’.
22. Especially when most of the revelations seem to involve tentacles and strange bodily fluids.
23. I am not allowed to sell the movie rights to said novels to any Hollywood producer, even if they do offer me ten times my Torchwood annual salary.
24. I am not to convince the latest batch of trainees that the commissary pepper pots are midget Dalek scouts and must be hunted down and destroyed with extreme prejudice.
25. ‘We Come In Peace, Shoot To Kill’ is not the official Torchwood anthem.
26. Neither is ‘One Hundred and One Aliens Coming Through the Rift’.
27. Torchwood does not have an official anthem and I am no longer allowed to table this as a motion deserving urgent consideration at every General Meeting,
28. I am not allowed to use the resources from my Archives to create ‘the best damned haunted house in Cardiff’ on any Halloween.
29. Weevils are not be used while out on Trick or Treat.
30. I am not allowed to persuade the aliens who kidnapped Elvis to let him come back for a one-night concert at the Millennium Centre.
31. The Torchwood Deep Space Array was not constructed so I can pick up unauthorised broadcasts of alien porn channels.
32. Duck Dodgers is not the poster boy for Torchwood Security.
33. I am not allowed to ring up Area 51 and taunt them on their lack of working alien spaceships.
34. I am not allowed to break into Area 51 and successfully liberate the sexy alien babe they had been holding prisoner.
35. I am not allowed to refer to our revered founder, Queen Victoria, as being ‘a bit of a bitch when the moon was full’.
36. Alien aphrodisiacs are not to be offered as canapés to guests visiting Torchwood Three.
37. Not allowed to replace my office’s voicemail message with “Hi, you’ve reached Torchwood Three, which is the best Torchwood to contact if you’re stuck on this planet. If you are here on a mission of conquest, please go to our website where you will find the impressive list of the alien butts we have kicked. If you are here on a trading mission, there’s some guy called Jones in London who seems to be on to a good thing. If you’re here on pleasure, my office hours are pretty much 24/7 but please don’t park your spaceship on the Plass as it annoys the police.”
38. I am not allowed to bring anatomical specimens to Torchwood General Meetings and insist on referring to it as Mr Hand and pretending it can talk.
39. Mr Hand cannot claim expenses.
40. Mr Hand does not get nasty if the Minster of Defence is sitting in his seat.
41. ‘The Clangers’ is not a factual documentary and I cannot speak their language fluently, albeit with a slight accent they find very sexy.
42. I am not allowed to ‘accidentally’ tinker with some of the blueprints of the latest AI computer so that when it is built it answers every question with ‘42’.
43. Torchwood Three’s Annual General Reports are not to begin with the phrase ‘A funny thing happened to me on the way to the Apocalypse’.
44. Torchwood Three’s Annual General Accounts are to be produced in greater detail than the single line ‘We spent it all; can we have some more?’.
45. Torchwood Three’s Quarterly Assessments should contain more than a confirmation that it is Spring, Summer, Autumn or Winter and that 8 out of 10 pterodactyls still prefer Whiskas.
46. The coffee at most of Torchwood London is not a subtle attempt on my life.
47. I am not allowed to track down whoever makes the coffee for Director Hartman and offer them unlimited sexual favours if they will come back to Cardiff with me.
48. I am not to send Director Hartman gifts of kinky lingerie at Christmas.
49. I am not to send photos of myself wearing the sexy lingerie in case she doesn’t know what to do with it.
50. People who do not like coffee are not obviously aliens in disguise.
51. The fact that the Doctor drinks tea and not coffee is not absolute confirmation of the above theory.
52. Not allowed to refer to UNIT personnel making a courtesy visit as ‘dessert’.
53. I am not allowed to substitute supplies of retcon with Pangalactic Gargle Blasters.
54. Even if they prove to be just as effective.
55. Not allowed to take the aliens’ part during negotiations.
56. Not allowed to get the aliens the better part of the deal in the negotiations.
57. When asked what my sex is on Torchwood documentation, I am not allowed to put ‘you name it, I’ve been it’.
58. The appropriate response to the question of Sexual Orientation is not ‘with a stopwatch’.
59. I am not allowed to get pregnant.
60. I am not allowed to bring my pterodactyl with me to an important meeting at Torchwood London on the grounds that it is ‘Talk Like a Pirate Day’ and she is the closest I can come to a parrot on such short notice.
61. I am not to refer to Torchwood Tower as a symbol of the triumph of Viagra over actual performance.
62. I am not allowed to keep sending crates of Irish whisky to Torchwood Two.
63. I am not allowed to change the stationery for Torchwood Three to read ‘The Sin Bin’ as I feel it has a certain charm and helps to add to the air of mystery that we should all cultivate.
64. I am not to tell anyone willing to listen that Torchwood Four was fine until it started experimenting on piskies.
65. I am not to refer to Dr Owen Harper as a failed genetic experiment and can I have my money back?
66. I have no proof that Director Hartman is actually a space vixen planning to conquer the planet through her feminine wiles.
67. I am not allowed to selflessly offer myself as a test subject to validate this theory while staying with her at a luxury hotel in the Virgin Islands.
68. I am not allowed to collect life insurance every time I die in the line of duty.
69. I am not allowed to rise from the dead on the third day.
70. Not allowed to contact Ianto Jones in any way whatsoever.

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