THINGS IANTO JONES IS NO LONGER ALLOWED TO DO
(From his time at Torchwood One)



1. Not allowed to slip an episode of 'Ultraviolet' into the induction programme for new recruits.
2. Not allowed to use teenage gamers to test Torchwood training scenarios.
3. Not allowed to point out to Torchwood Security that the teenagers score better than they do.
4. Not allowed to threaten to give the home address of people who annoy me to parasitic aliens.
5. Not allowed to place members of boy bands on the alien equivalent of eBay
6. Not allowed to do the same with members of HM Government, on a 'buy one, get one free' basis.
7. Not allowed to research the possibility of summoning beings from the netherworld while at work.
8. Not allowed to research the possibility of summoning beings from the netherworld, period.
9. Most emphatically not allowed to summon beings from the netherworld.
10. The voice of God does not manifest itself through the static on my Bluetooth.
11. I am not to listen to the voice of God rather than my superiors.
12. I am not to reveal the latest sexual, financial or political scandal involving my immediate superiors when I am asked if I have anything to add at an interdepartmental briefing.
13. I am not to make it glaringly obvious to everyone that I am ten times brighter than any of my superiors.
14. Even if they dare me to.
15. Not allowed to keep mentioning the five years that the Doctor was stranded on Earth and very obviously working for UNIT to the Alien Retrieval Teams assigned to locate and apprehend him.
16. Not allowed to install a clock counting down to Armageddon, in accordance to information received from the future.
17. "There is no absolute proof that intelligent life exists on Earth" is not the correct message to give our new recruits.
18. When mentioning the Silurians and the Sea Devils, I am not to point out that their existence means that Humans are squatters and should technically be paying rent.
19. I am not authorised to declare war on other alien species.
20. I am not authorised to accept the surrender of those alien species.
21. I am not authorised to broker a trading agreement with alien species.
22. Not allowed to buy Wales using the proceeds from the above.
23. Not allowed to respond to a formal request for archival material with "Say pretty please with sprinkles on the top".
24. Not allowed to respond to a formal request for archival material with a snort and "Fat chance, we've got better things to do."
25. Not allowed to replace the conventional voicemail message with "Hi, you've reached Torchwood, a top-secret organisation hell-bent on nicking anything alien we can get our grubby little mitts on. We can't answer the phone at the moment because we're occupied with painting a nice big target on our collective arses, along with a message saying 'kick me'. Please leave a message and we'll get back to you once the dust settles. Assuming the phones still work."
26. Not allowed to seduce new recruits on the pretext of showing them how enemy agents might try and compromise them.
27. Not allowed to use alien artefacts on my immediate superiors.
28. 'Aliens made me do it' is not an appropriate comment to make when caught doing the above.
29. Torchwood Security is not to be referred to as 'Fido and Co.'.
30. Not allowed to start any Incident Report with 'Once upon a time...'
31. Not allowed to start any Incident Report with 'It was a dark and stormy night...'
32. Must not refer to Director Yvonne Hartman as 'Little Miss Empire'.
33. I am to obtain official clearance for any project which contains the remotest possibility of explosions.
34. I am to obtain official clearance for any project that makes me smile.
35. People who do not like coffee are not 'agents of the Antichrist'.
36. Not allowed to sell Torchwood Tower to anyone, alien or otherwise.
37. Not allowed to refer to UNIT personnel as 'the ones who do all the actual work' in the hearing of upper management.
38. Not allowed to take alien vessels for a 'test drive', especially if no-one else has worked out how to fly them yet.
39. Not allowed to store radioactive materials in that part of the Archives that is directly next to my superior's office.
40. Not allowed to plant alien plants capable of mind-control or independent movement in the conservatory used by upper management.
41. Not allowed to speak Welsh in a meaningful manner in front of my superiors, even if it does turn out to be a quote from the Bible.
42. The research computers in the Science Department are not to be used to find the winning Lottery numbers.
43. I am not authorised to sell Earth.
44. Not allowed to create new forms relating to alien-possession and then make the Alien Retrieval Teams complete them, saying "well you would say that, wouldn't you?" when they say that they weren't possessed.
45. Not allowed to ask agents investigating UFO sightings if they know where their towels are.
46. Not allowed to defect to UNIT during training exercises.
47. Not allowed to lead the 'aliens' to victory during exercises.
48. Not allowed to circumvent the result of a 'no-win' training scenario by bringing about the end of all life on Earth.
49. Not allowed to 'accidentally' erase upper management's security clearance while they are inside the Critical Clearance Areas.
50. 'Ooops' is not an appropriate response when challenged on the above.
51. Not allowed to insert a new voice chip into a Barbie doll so that it sounds like Director Hartman.
52. Not allowed to place said doll in Director Hartman's office, in her chair, and primed to say "Help me!" when her PA enters the room with the morning mail.
53. Not allowed to take the entire day to give the PA the kiss of life afterwards.
54. Not allowed to make a pet out of any alien device which has a vocabulary that includes surrender or die, total domination, your puny race is doomed or any such similar phrases.
55. Ditto with any alien being.
56. Not allowed to refer to the latest creation of the Scientific Division as 'the doohickey'.
57. When asked what my sex is on Torchwood documentation, I am not allowed to put 'classified'.
58. The appropriate response to the question of Sexual Orientation is not "in the direction of someone I fancy like mad".
59. When constructing a training exercise, I am not allowed to recreate a situation that I saw in a film or TV show.
60. Not allowed to tell the new recruits that the Goodies episode 'Kitten Kong' was actually a Torchwood cover-up for an event that actually happened.
61. I am not to tease Torchwood Security about their lack of giant mecha.
62. Not allowed to doctor CCTV footage to prove that Director Hartman is actually the Master.
63. The fact that the Queen's children and her corgis have never been seen together is NOT significant. Neither is the fact that she has four children and four corgis.
64. Not allowed to give "find and seduce the Doctor" as one of my career objectives at my appraisal.
65. Not allowed to give myself a higher security clearance than Director Hartman.
66. Not allowed to tell new recruits that "Torchwood Four isn't missing, we just like to ignore them".
67. Not allowed to refer to Torchwood Three as the "Sin Bin".
68. Not allowed to refer to Torchwood Two as "the Lair of the Haggis".
69. Not allowed to tell recruits that there is a Torchwood Five on the Moon and they'll get sent there if they misbehave.
70. Not allowed to contact Captain Jack Harkness in any way whatsoever.